How To Control Your Emotions So You Don't Be A Shit Person
"A Shit Person"
- Definition: Someone who takes no accountability for their own outcomes and instead blames others for their personal issues and emotional outburts.
There is a more compassionate side of myself which understands these people are the ones who need the most help.
It's unfortunate but it's true that "hurt people, hurt people".
It's also true that you can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped.
I believe we all have a choice to take responsibility for our lives, accountability for our actions and ownership for our behaviours.
Not everyone does that though.
Hence, we have "shit people".
For those of you who don't want to be a shit person, I'm going to explain how you can control your emotions and learn to process what you're feeling in a healthy way.
In this blog we'll discuss:
- Mindfulness-Based Emotional Intelligence
- Emotional Trauma & The Brain
- Emotional Triggers & Amygdala Hijack
- The Victim Mindset VS The Empowered Mindset
Alright let's start with one of the best solutions I know for the problem of emotional reactivity.
Mindfulness-Based Emotional Intelligence
This is a big and fancy way of saying you need to become mindfully aware of your feelings WITHOUT reacting to them.
Yes, it is possible to feel a feeling and not allow that feeling to take control of you.
A lot of people I talk to in my coaching business struggle with this when they start working with me.
They usually have negative thoughts which then stimulate negative feelings and then those negative feelings start to create negative actions which lead to negative outcomes.
I'm gonna make a well-informed assumption that if you're reading this then you don't want to be having those kinds of experiences.
A lot of people I work with also tell me they've "tried meditation" or they've "tried the apps like 'calm' and 'headspace'" but they don't really understand what they're doing.
This is why it can be so helpful to have a qualified mindfulness meditation teacher (like myself) to actually teach you the 'ins and outs' of what you're supposed to be doing.
One of the most common mistakes people make with meditation is this...
They think if they can't stop their thoughts, they're doing it wrong.
That is the wrong way to think about it.
You're not supposed to stop your thoughts, you're supposed to learn how to become aware of your thoughts without attaching to them.
There's a big difference.
Once you learn to observe your thoughts and your emotions without attaching to them, you'll start to become more present which will help you begin to control your thoughts and emotions.
You want to develop the ability to become aware of your body, your mind, your feelings and your thoughts WITHOUT reacting to them.
This is a practice of sensory awareness and you probably won't master it overnight.
Usually it takes my clients between 2-6 months to master it (if they're consistent).
Now let's talk about why this is so hard for a lot of people.
Emotional Trauma and the Brain.
Firstly, WTF is emotional trauma?
Trauma can be any experience that leaves an imprint on your nervous system, memory and subconscious mind.
The most significant trauma is often created through childhood as our brains (and general sense of who we are and what it means to be in the world) are developing.
More complex trauma may happen when your nervous system is sent into overdrive by physical circumstances and you're not able to escape this situation (think war / assault etc)
This is how PTSD can be created however trauma is not isolated to people who have those more extreme experiences.
We all have trauma to some degree.
We are all born as very fragile beings.
Imagine coming out of the womb for the first time without understanding anything you are seeing, hearing, feeling or sensing...
Totally new to the world.
In a state of pure awareness and just soaking in every bit of information from your environment without any filter whatsoever.
Crazy to think about.
There is a built in attachment mechanism to our parents as our carers but we're not really aware of how or why that's the case.
There is a built in need for belonging and love but again, we don't really know why as children.
As we develop through our early childhood we are hyper dependent on those around us for love, connection and a sense of belonging.
Any experiences we have where we don't experience that love can make us feel disconnected, alone and often scared or insecure.
Remember, I want you to imagine what I'm sharing with you from the perspective of a child, not the grown adult version of yourself you are now.
Some people struggle with this because of their own pride and ego but I encourage you to drop that for a moment and try to connect with the vulnerability of a child in their development.
Now imagine, the child is left alone, made fun of, mocked, blamed for their parents shortcomings, pitted against their siblings or peers at school in competition.
Now imagine, they're not "the best" and they have some of the love withdrawn.
- What kind of impact do you think that leaves on the kids sense of self?
- What do you think that child might start to believe about themselves?
It's not difficult to get a sense of the shame, guilt or fear that one could experience and the core belief systems one may start to develop.
This can be the beginning of emotional trauma which leaves imprints on the brain through the memory because the child usually will just suppress those emotions and not talk about it.
Now fast - forward to being an adult and you have an experience where you feel 'less than' or alone or not good enough.
What happens in your brain is a flooding of suppressed emotions based off the old memories.
This is why people can get so triggered and emotionally reactive over seemingly insignificant things.
Emotional Triggers & Amygdala Hijack
The 'Amygdala Hijack' is a term coined by Daniel Goleman (PHD & American Psychologist) which refers to a sudden emotional flooding that is disproportionate to the actual stimulus AKA "triggered".
The amygdalae are emotional processing centers which are part of the limbic system in the brain and function like warning systems.
When these warning systems go off, cortisol is released into the blood stream which sends the nervous system into the fight-flight-freeze response (sympathetic mode).
To put it simply, the "feeling brain" hijacks the "thinking brain" and the result is people get "triggered".
The logical aspect of the brain shuts down, executive function is halted and the ability to think rationally or make wise decisions becomes suppressed.
What you're left with is a highly reactive brain that is only concerned about survival which can then lead to anger, frustration, blaming, pointing the finger etc etc etc.
All in a bid to 'survive'.
Crazy stuff right?
Now here's where we have a decision to make.
The Victim Mindset VS The Empowered Mindset
Once you become aware or mindful of this happening, you have a choice.
The Victim Mindset
- You can continue to play out your survival story, be a victim to your experiences and blame others without taking any responsibility or ownership for your own inner world (AKA be a shit person).
OR
The Empowered Mindset
- You can take ownership and responsibility for your inner world and become empowered to work on yourself and start thriving.
You need to understand that as long as you continue to blame others and complain about what you're experiencing, you are putting yourself in a disempowered position and you are playing out the victim identity which makes changing very hard.
When you take responsibility and ownership for everything in your life and all of your experiences, you are putting yourself in an empowered position where change becomes possible.
I believe we should all aim to live with an empowered mindset and that starts with a choice to put your pride aside, stop blaming others or projecting outwardly and instead, start looking within.
If you're wanting some help to:
- Regulate your nervous system and practice mindfulness.
- Reprogram your subconscious mind and change core belief systems.
- Process your suppressed emotional trauma in a healthy way.
Then you can:
A) Click here to watch my free 20-minute video to see how I can help.
B) Message me on instagram with the word "DETAILS" @itsjoshholliday and I'll send you all the details you need to know about my coaching program (including costs, time commitment etc).
Thanks for reading and I hope this was helpful for you.
With Optimism,
Josh